The Revenge of the Parody
by Sriya
Summary: It's the musical parody-o-dized, rather than the book. Chapter 3 is up now, please review and tell me what you think so i know if it's worthwhile to actually carry this on. :D
1. Overture

**I guess I have to put this in, all the other authors do. I won't say it again. I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTERS IN THIS! End of story. Now please, enjoy my lovely parody to greatest musical ever: The Phantom Of The Opera.**  
  
Setting: Paris, 18something, Opera House  
  
Raoul: Ah, yes, I remember it well.  
  
Audience: Oooooooooh.  
  
Raoul: Actually, I don't.  
  
Audience: Awwwwwwww.  
  
Raoul: So you know what?  
  
Audience: Ehhhhhhhh?  
  
Raoul: I'll make up an exciting story of what I wish could have happened in my boring, pathetic life.  
  
Audience: Yaaayyyyy!  
  
Raoul: And stop with all the noises, please. It's making me rather frightened.  
  
Audience: (stands up and claps)  
  
Raoul: (sigh)  
  
**  
  
Paris Opera House, many years before the 18something date.  
  
Opera people: (sing a bunch of crap)  
  
Andre: Hi, I'm Andre. I manage this theater.  
  
Firmin: Hi Andre. I also manage this theater.  
  
Andre: Cool!  
  
Firmin: I can't tell what the people are singing.  
  
Andre: Neither can I. (whispers) I'm 90 percent deaf and a graduate of Mrs. Ball's School of Lip Reading.  
  
Firmin: No way, me too!  
  
(Andre and Firmin proceed to give each other a high five and the Mrs. Ball's School of Lip Reading brotherly hug.)  
  
Andre: Class of 18something bizarre year!  
  
Firmin: Oh, you were the class that was always insisting on wearing pants on you guys' heads and insisting that was what normal people did.  
  
Andre: We can't help it that we were lousy lip readers! We needed some excuse!  
  
Firmin: Well, I always believed Mrs. Ball worked miracles with my class. She was the best teacher I ever had.  
  
Andre: She was the only teacher you had, you dumbass.  
  
(Carlotta hits a high shrill note)  
  
(Andre and Firmin jump)  
  
Firmin: I think the opera house is tearing itself down.  
  
Andre: I wonder why they sold us this place cheap.  
  
Firmin: You know, it's been scientifically proven that fat opera singers have lungs 3 times the size of cows.  
  
Andre: I wish I knew what they were singing.  
  
Firmin: I have a distinct bunny-like feeling that they're doing we-OH look, they're done. Let's tell them how beautiful they sounded.  
  
**Concert Night**  
  
Carlotta: (screeches more)  
  
(audience covers ears, except for the special graduates from Mrs. Ball's School of Lip Reading)  
  
Carlotta: (thinks) I wonder if it would hurt to fall over. I'm so tired of this.  
  
(Carlotta promptly throws herself over on the side)  
  
(audience cheers)  
  
Carlotta: (thinks) I knew I was a born comedian.  
  
Meanwhile, Andre and Firmin are running around screaming backstage.  
  
Andre: AAAH! We're DOOMED!  
  
Firmin: Why?  
  
Andre: The performance will end now, and we won't have any time to, you know.  
  
Firmin: (giggles)  
  
(Christine comes in)  
  
Christine: Monseir An-oh. Umm, you're kinda busy right now. (points to hand on Firmin's butt)  
  
Andre: (pulls hand off butt) Ah, it's um, another way of checking pulse I learned at, um, Mrs. Ball's School of-  
  
Christine: DAMN YOU, JUST LET ME SING!  
  
(Andre and Firmin stare)  
  
Andre: What did she say?  
  
Firmin: Beats me. I failed "High Girly Lips II". It was all because of this one kid.  
  
Andre: Wait, I think she's singing,  
  
Firmin: She understood us!  
  
(They dance in a circle)  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! Chapter 2 is only coming if there are more reviews soon! Thaaaank you. :D 


	2. Christine Gets a Man

**Thanks to my reviewers, I love you! :D keep them coming, I love reviews!**

Chapter 2 – Christine Gets a Man

We begin where we left off, with Christine taking her future into her own hands.  
  


Christine: (sings) 

I will be,

I will be famous, 

Carlotta, you will die. 

I know this 

I saw it on Oprah-- 

And she never lies. 

Carlotta: Hiss! 

When you're dead,  

Don't even 

Try to sing, 

For you won't ever 

Be like me-- 

Cause when 

You are with 

Your devils, 

I'll be on 

MTV. 

(Audience gives standing ovation)

Firmin: Wow. She's good.

Andre: Yess...at least...she looks good...and her mouth seems right...(contemplates that in mystical mind lands)

Firmin: You know what, Andre?

Andre: Whaaaat?

Firmin: You need to stop with the pot.

Andre: Yeahhhh...(wakes up) Whaaa? Where am I? Who are you?!? What have you done with Ophelia?

Firmin: Ophelia?

Andre: You know, my pet seal.

Firmin: (sigh) As I was saying….

Andre: What?

Firmin: (jumps up and down) THIS COULD BE OUR CHANCE!!!!!

Andre: We just did it.

Firmin: No! I mean, to get rich!

Andre: Yeah! (Goes back into delusion) And we can buy that pretty pink house on Elm street...it's so prettyful! (Giggles)

Firmin: (dreamy look) With the merry-go-round with bunnies and peacocks...

Andre: And a hot tub…

Both: (squeal and dance in a circle)

Meanwhile, we go to a certain box in the audience. The box contains a very interesting person.

Box: Get me out of here!

(box opens itself)

Raoul: Dude, when I asked for a box...I didn't mean one of those...

Opera man: I'm sorry. Your requested box, box 420 was occupied by...(looks up and sees Elvis)...him.

Elvis: Hey pretty man! Goin' groovy?

Raoul: Hey, you're not supposed to be alive yet.

Elvis: Erm, I'm the ghost of the present future.

Raoul: Whaaaaaaa?

Elvis: I'll die shortly.

Raoul: (runs away screaming to box 5 and slaughters the poor innocent family of weasels that are currently occupying it.)

Raoul: (evil laugh) MIIIIIINE!

After Raoul finally situates himself, Christine begins to sing her love song, as shown earlier, to Carlotta.

Raoul: Christine! Wow. Where did that come from? Oh well, it sounds cool. CHRIIIISTTIIINNNE!

Christine and audience: (glares at Raoul)

Raoul: She's so pretty!

Audience: No, duh.

Raoul: Almost as pretty as me!

Audience: Ewwwww.

(Awkward silence)

Raoul: Pssst! What else am I supposed to say?

Audience: That you want her.

Raoul: Oh, yeah. But I don't! I have a boyf---

Audience: Say it or we'll send Elvis back to haunt you!

Raoul: Damn, I hate acting. Christine, I want you! BE MIIINE!

Christine and audience: SHUT UP!!!

Raoul: But...but...

Elvis: SILENCE!

Raoul: (shuts up)

...After the Gala...

Raoul: (hugs self) I love this place! I love you, Elvis! (Throws kisses)

Firmin: You poor, sad, person.

Andre: Let's liven him up!

Raoul: Um. Can I visit Christine? You know, the pretty one?

Andre: What's wrong with us?

Raoul: Christine's prettier.

Firmin: (sigh) Okay, follow me.

Raoul: No, I think I'll go alone. You know.

Firmin and Andre: Oooooooooooh.

Raoul: Yeah. I'm not gay. Sorry! (Walks away)

Firmin and Andre: (have a cry orgy)

Meanwhile, back at Christine's dressing room….

Christine: Meg, I have a secret to tell you.

Meg: No! NOT THE DARK SIDE!!! COME BACK!!!! (Darth Vader music starts playing)

Christine: No. See, there's this guy…

Meg: (music stops) Don't wanna hear it...(and keeps going on about how she doesn't want to hear about Christine's new guy...)

Christine: And he's hiding in here.

(Phantom appears in the fireplace)

Phantom: Ho, Ho, Ho! 

Meg: (faints)

*************

Yes, I'm going to cut off now. I'd otherwise keep going on and ON and ONNNN till the whole thing just sounded so bizarre and stupid and sounded like no sane human being could have written it. Next update will be whenever I feel like writing more…hopefully soon. Keep the reviews coming!! :D :D :D :D 


	3. Christine GetsAnother Man?

**Sorry about the delay. Midterms and all that crap are behind me, though...I should have ch 4 coming soon...if I get more reviews. :P Thanks, though, I love you all!**

Revenge of the Parody  
Chapter 3 – Christine Gets...Another Man?

Christine: Santa! Wa'cha bring me?

Phantom: Enough pretending. You know it's just a cover up.

Christine: Cover up? What's that?

We pause to sadly remind you that Christine's IQ does not match the frequency of her voice.

Phantom: It means I'm not Santa!

Christine: You're NOT?!

  
Phantom: You idiot. There's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Christine: (bashes head against the wall) There's NOT?!

Phantom: I was never good with small children.

Christine: I know! You killed him! MURDERER!

Phantom: No, Simba, I am innocent!

Christine: That sounds familiar. Maybe I saw it on Oprah.

Phantom: (shakes head) You need help. Do you have a 'reset' button?

Christine: Yeah, it's right here.

Phantom: (presses it)

Christine: (puts on a fake goofy smile) Welcome to McDonalds! Would you like fries with that?

Phantom: Oops. Wrong button. (pushes another button)

Christine: Raoul, baby, I love y—

Phantom: DAH! (randomly presses 5 million buttons in an instant)

Christine: This looks like a job for me, so everybody, just follow me...

Phantom: Eh?

Christine: (presses her reset button)

Phantom: This is getting scarier by the minute.

Christine: So where were we? Oh yes...Murderer! You killed Santa!

Phantom: Now let's not jump to conclusions. I was just playfully slapping him—

Christine: You _slapped_ him?!

Phantom: Erm.

Christine: God, you _are_ a stalker. Didn't he tell you that he was already taken by ME??

Phantom: ...

Christine: Santa, it's OVER, you player!

Phantom: Well, if I had known that you preferred bearded, fat, crusty old men...

Christine: You're going to hell.

Phantom: Duh. I live in hell. 

Christine: Oh. Right.

Phantom: Hey, guess what?

Christine: You're getting a makeover and some flea shampoo?

Phantom: No. 

Christine: Oh.

Phantom: But, I stole Santa's sleigh! Wanna go?

Christine: Where?

Phantom: Disneyland.

Christine: Yayy! I always wanted to go there!

Phantom: Too bad. I killed Mickey Mouse, too.

Christine: (takes out a butter knife to kill the Phantom)

Phantom: Now, my dear, violence is not the answer.

Christine: (obediently puts the knifee back in her butt without a thought that the Phantom is contradicting himself)

A little while later, Christine and Erik are gracefully cruising along like little pink poinies with—

Phantom: Enough! (raises light saber)

Narrarator: (gulp)

Christine: Why did we stop gracefully cruising?!

Phantom: Hmm.

Christine: Oh, I figured it out. Rudolph's just having a bab---D'oh!!! Rudolph's having a BABY?!

Phantom: They leave a few details out of the Christmas carol.

A little while later, Rudolf, Comet, and Baby are waving goodbye to Christine and Erik, now joined by more...supernatural beings.

Phantom: What? What are you looking at?

Christine: (snorts) Not much.

Phantom: I wasn't talking to you, chere. (waves to a random boa constrictor he sees)

Christine: We're never going to make it back to the "opera" in time. God dammit, we're still in China!

Phantom: Dah. Well, luckily, I know a shortcut through the center of the earth.

Christine: (coughs) No book hopping. You know I hate Frodo, anyway.

Phantom: Might I suggest learning how to read before underestimating the pleasantness of a pretty gay hobbit? Besides, we're in the right book—we have reindeer.

Christine: _Plastic_ reindeer.

Phantom: I can't help the sexual impulses of real reindeer!!

Christine: (sigh) Why don't we just walk?

They walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk and...

Phantom: Silence!

And walk?

Phantom: I think I've passed that sand pit before.

Christine: I like sandpits.

Phantom: Maybe it's time for a song...

Christine: ZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ.

Phantom: ...next episode. 

Meanwhile, back at Christine's dressing room...

Meg: (wakes up) Oh God, what did Santa do with her?

Raoul: (from outside the door) Christine! Christine! Where art thou?

Meg: (opens door) Santa in a mask came and stole her.

Raoul: Oh. Well, in that case, let's have a party! (bounces)

Meg: I'm too scared to. Santa Claus gone wrong might come back. Besides, when I was little, my grandfather's cousin's girlfriend's brother's great grandneice's best friend's first cousin once removed's brother's mom's worst enemy came down my chimney and...

Raoul: My virgin ears! Agh!

Meg: And then his eyes started shining like an armadillo on crack's would...

Raoul: Stop!! I am not your psychiatrist! 

Next Episode: We'll check on Firmin and Andre. If we dare. Maybe we'll even have the Phantom sing his famous song...

Meg: And he said..."Grovel, you insignificant worm!" and then I said...

  
Raoul: SECURITY!!!!

Ahem. Thanks for all your reviews, keep them coming! :D 


End file.
